Bad Body Doubles

Sometimes, I really love history. But as both my mother and my high-school AP World History teacher know
...only sometimes.

Traveling to Xi’an, China was just one of those times.

   

       Xi-an is the land of the Terra-Cotta Warriors. Up until I actually went to Xi’an, that’s all I really knew about this historic interurban. But this place rules. I mean, this place still has a city wall that was engineered by Emperor Qin Shi Huang in 259 BC. Emperor Qin was the pioneer Emperor of China, beginning his rule at the age of twenty-two until he died at fifty-five (…he would throw back Mercury on the daily, knowing it is would make him live longer... well surprise surprise, it killed him. He's an idiot.) But! He must have done something right because he basically birthed China like a parent. And when I say "something right" I actually mean he just declared war on his own country to promote a unified country-loyalty. Like I said, he’s an idiot. But who’s being harsh here? Not me. He is entombed in a mini-mountain that took over three decades to build - for those of you who know Montpellier, Idaho… it just looks like a copy-cat ‘M’ hill. 2.6 kilometers from his tomb lay the Terra-Cotta Warriors. (Which by the way, Terra-Cotta is actually the material they are made of... I always assumed it was the name of some antediluvian army. I was wrong; I’m also an idiot.) 

       These warriors were unearthed in 1960 by a farmer who was digging a well in his backyard. & they are basically just thousands of life-size clay warriors of varying heights, weights, and heart-rates all facing away from Emperor Qin's tomb as if they are protecting him from the evil spirits of the underworld? Emperor Qin actually had replicas of all his real-life soldiers carved out of Terra-Cotta - from the nose to the eyes to the finger nail lengths, these warriors were a perfect copy; each individualized. But… what I never realized… these ancient soldiers would never get to see their stone look-alikes because the emperor would kill them immediately after the statue was carved! So that "their spirits would guard his tomb!" And what's worse?! Each warrior would John Hancock the back left shoulder of his deposit double as a "final goodbye" kind of thing. Crazy, huh?! So every statue I saw was an actual person once upon a time... who was morbidly murdered. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s creepier than a graveyard. Just over eight-thousand statues are open to the elements… but there are probably thousands more all surrounding the emperor's tomb. I mean... Emperor Qin... the guy can't get any more selfish. Right?! And I just can't get over the idea of a man who spent three decades building his own tomb, that’s all.  

Well, there is your history lesson for the day – you can skip class tomorrow. On me. 

p.s. - whoever knows what the title of this post is from... wins my heart 

Yangshuo, China

Yangshuo, China

The Dr. Seuss Mountains

What, an American?

And Canadians, Russians & Africans.

From Vexatious Street Vendors

To Bamboo Rafting, Vespa Ride Losing & Camel Abusing.

A Beautiful Birthday Girl on a Bike.

Yi, Er, San, Si... 

Finding love in a veggie burger; Finding home in Kelly’s

"Where can I find a Gay Venue?"

Mud Caves, Men's Clothes, Moon Hill, 

A Withdrawn Wife on West Street,

...and Sponge Bob Penis Pants.

& Desserts on Desserts on Dessert on Desserts. 

Did I mention Desserts? 

Ode to Chinese T-Shirts

#1 “My boyfriend's a Hells Angel”

A little boy nonchalantly sauntered into class dressed to kill. If only he knew… Prop 8 for lyyyfe..?

#3 "Clouds. hsgdvkjqhvkjbsdjvk”

That’s not a word but keep trying…

#4 “It’s Boyfriend Season"

Don’t hate the player, hate the game... right?

 #5 “Don’t Fu*k My Ass”

[Sorrysorrysorry for the vulgarity] 

But this… this is gold. PLUS this was taken at a nearby university. I’d so love to see what Brigham Young University would do if I boastfully debouched campus sporting this lovely thang? 

And many, many, many, many, manymanymanymany more! 

Ode to Avatars

Last week, I was lucky enough wanderlust the weekend away in Zhangjiajie, China// the home of the Avatars! Okay, maybe not the Avatars… but the Avatar Mountains! Blanketed in a gilded green canopy, these statuesque, stand-alone mountains are nestled right between heaven and a chicken salad croissant sandwich! Zhangjiajie National Park, in China’s Hunan Province, has been more or less out of the international tourist radar in the past, but that is definitely going to change. And soon. Following a soaking rain, a soupily sensible fog will settle over the valley, dressing the base of these pillar-like mountains in a buttermilk brume – creating, The Floating Mountains. The perfect fantasy dreamland.

Within minutes, I was completely transfixed. My mind melted a little more with each belief binding view. How did they happen?! “Summer’s erosion and winter’s expanding ice” is just not a good enough answer for me. Why not anywhere else?! Why only here!? How?! Baa! Anyway, forget my total volcanic mind eruption… our hostile was within a right-out-of-a-movie mountain town. With wood cabins, crisp air, antique cottages, and cute locals. I felt like this village was my own hidden treasure; my personal, yet infinite, secret garden. And I never wanted to leave. Needless to say, I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend filled with 3,100 sandstone pillars, street vendors, zzzt, cable cars, “China Pants”, ponchos, phony student I.D. cards, frustrated Chinese employees, guilty discounts, “…and it wasn’t weird”, rude chain smokers, hunchbacks, slurp the P juice through a straw, a 365 story elevator, “Dani! Daaani! Oh bay-bee”, credit card swiping, female leg scissoring, buses on buses on buses, stairs on stairs on stairs, Asians on Asians on Asians, rich food, and even richer conversation. All completely inhabited by these rowdy lil’ wild monkeys. Just the way I like it.  

But… I so badly wanted to ruin all sentimental beauty of this place and just paint myself blue and hide in a bush whispering “I see you.” But I figured that I’d probably just call more attention to myself by just being white. 

And I really love all these people: 

"For We Are Together"

Absolutely, positively - my most-adorned stem of China is the Sabbath Day!

       On the first Sunday, abaft a habitually unified and robust ballad of Battle Hymn of the Republic, the Spirit flooded through the pocketed apartment we sat in. The solitary thought that soaked my mind was “we are not alone, for we are together.” It is so easy to feel desolate and a little detached here as I am so far from what I’ve consistently considered home. But that day, the supportive arms of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints were cultivating me completely. Our District President, sweet President Turner, knew we were coming to Zhongshan, sending us sacrament trays, sacrament cloths, hymnals, and 13 folding chairs that we could use for our 'remote-access' Sunday meetings. The blooming package arrived with no label, no return address. Along with it came a sound system to hook up to our computer so that we could Skype into the branch which conducts its meetings about an hour away in Guangzhou. I am an active member of a branch. It is a trifling toy in this church’s telescope… and it may only be over Skype, but it is strong and it is true. 

       I've never felt more love from my Savior than I have in the last three weeks; for I know that I am supported and I know that I am never alone. The Lord is acutely aware of me and He has an unmitigated love for me which omnipotently protects me. I absolutely believe that this church and it’s gospel really are unquestionably true: wherever you are. 

Ode to China

Hey, stranger!

I currently live in Zhongshan, China teaching English at Kaiyin Kindergarten and I can assure you that I have a better life than you. I spend my days with some blowzy little Asian dumplings – and they are irrepressibly risible, yet riotous at. all. times. They are five year olds. And they are easily stuffed into suitcases; don't worry. 

I have been squatting here for about three weeks. And when I say squatting, I actually mean squatting. In China, you do not sit on the ground, you squat. You do not use benches at the bus stop, you squat. You do not even use a westernized toilet, you squat. I will have the thighs of Hercules by the time I am home.

With that being said, I officially deem Zhongshan, China flawlessly faultless in every feasible way! I love these students; I love these people; I love this town! If I could live here until forever… I’d be a happy woman!

"Stefan, we need to talk"

just hangin out w/ stefan 

(now that he's singlin' & minglin' and all) 

[the unspoken & unspeakable Jenna Neeley in a world of 

uncannily good-looking vampires, witches, and were-wolves]

Thanks for the portrait, Heather! You rule!