& I'm Sure He Appreciates the Grease Stains.

“Student Event Coordinators,

       This is our schedule for this Wednesday-- At 11:30 we will meet for lunch in the Skyroom.  Dress is casual. Shortly after that meeting, we will meet with the Faculty Center for September events re-cap and then we will go straight to 5311 WSC to re-vamp our s-drive files. Feel free to bring a quiet snack for the second meeting—it’ll be a long day.”

Great. Here it comes. You don’t know what a quiet snack is.

A ringing Amen closes the first of our marathon meetings. Yup, there it is. Right on cue. The crinkle of that bag. The smell of those Fritos. The crunch of your pearly, porcelain teeth.

Wait. That’s not Fritos. Or even Cheetos. Maybe your habits have changed. Maybe you’ve brought carrots. 

Nope.

Definitely not carrots.

We understand that we ate lunch only an hour ago. And that you’re pregnant. You get hungry quickly—We get that. And I know, I know we ate a light, eighteen-dollar lunch in the most ritzy and renowned meeting place on campus. That’s fine.

But oh. We see now. Your quiet snack is, in fact, Cool Ranch Doritos. & No matter how politely you try and eat your precious circadian chip, your fingers are still a spicy orange and your cute “lets-impress-the-boss” giggle still turns into a “lets-count-the-number-of-crumbs-in-and-around-her-mouth” tournament. But, fair game to the pieces that temporarily employed wings and seagulled across the room with every fake fracture.  

Eat what you may, Miss, but please… you are in a professional meeting. Don’t bring Cool Sucking Ranch Doritos.

Oh, and did I mention that President Samuelson was present at this meeting? The President of the university you are attending? A General Authority? But yah know, I’m sure he really likes Cool Ranch Doritos too.

Especially on the monthly reports you are handing to him.